Ever since I saw this tag for the first time, I haven’t been able to keep my mind off of it. My initial thought was that I didn’t want to copy it. I didn’t want people to know, I didn’t want people to judge me for being one of “those”. But I am. And I am not alone. I have hesitated a lot if I should post this at all, but I strongly relate to this issue, it is so important and I have realized that I am part of the problem if I don’t. Maybe it is time to be brave and actually open up, like so many other women right now!
2012. It wasn’t until two (!!) years later that I realized that this was not a no big deal. During WoW-week (Week of Welcome) at Cal Poly I realized the magnitude of what had happened and I completely broke down and told someone for the very first time. I couldn’t believe that I had been through that and just brushed it off my shoulders at the time. No, of course I didn’t just brush it off my shoulders. I spent two full days crying in bed, wondering why I hadn’t said no a little bit louder so he might have understood. But I didn’t tell anyone because I thought that I was overreacting. So I kept quiet, until Cal Poly made me aware of what I had been through. What was sad was, that at that time, in 2014, I was seriously thinking of doing something about it, tell the police. But then I thought, what good would that do, two years later and thousands of miles away? A hard realization hit me, nothing would happen. So I continued to keep quiet about it.
Some time passed and with the realization that it was a big deal, I actually wanted to share. But I was met by someone who took the guy’s side and I decided that I would never ever share this with anyone ever again. Why would I tell someone something this big and horrible if it wouldn’t help me in any way, just make me feel worse? So here I am, more than five years later and still haven’t really talked with anyone about it.
Then I saw this tag, thought it was a good idea, but I didn’t want to be a part of it. But I changed my mind. This is important and I have to hope that this will have some kind of impact! My Facebook feed is full of hashtags, many of them are probably from women in a similar situation like mine and that is just awful! I get so angry that so many (me included) are afraid of sharing because they might be met with shrugs and comments like “you are overreacting”, “think about it from the guy’s perspective”, “it could have been worse”, “was it really that bad?”. And the worst part? Feeling hopeless, because you know that even if you did tell the police or some authority right after it happened, the most likely scenario is that nothing would have been done about it anyway…
So now that everyone is aware, what is the next step?
I feel guilty and ashamed and I blame myself for what has happened to me. In my stronger moments I tell my self it was never my fault and periodically I think of him as the asshat that he is for doing what he did to me. But on other days I fall back into the pit of ”maybe it was me after all? How can I be sure that he did something wrong?” I have thought about talking to a professional about it. It would probably be a good idea. But I always end up reasoning that it isn’t really a big deal and I should be able to handle it on my own. But it was and still is a big deal. I supressed memories of it that I only started to remember more than half a year later when I started to properly process it.
It is easier to talk about this when others start talking first, but it is never easy to talk about. I think of it almost every day. It has been three years. I want to be done and move on. Forget it ever happened. But that would not help anyone. So I try to be strong. I try to talk about it, so far only very vaguely, but I hope this can be a part of a catalyst for change.
I hope it was okay for me to vent here. Like I wrote, it is always easier to talk once someone already opened the conversation.
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Jag hade ingen aning, Limes! ❤ jag känner igen mig precis i det du skriver!
Det är jävligt svårt att prata om. Så jag tänkte att det här var ett bra sätt att få ut det på riktigt för första gången.
Stor kram till er båda, Alexandra och Limes! Ni är starka och beundransvärda som vågar dela er historia!